Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Congratulations, Mike!


Dear Mike;

Congratulations on yesterday's victory over Bill Thompson! Even after all of your campaign spending, you still have about $15.7 billion or so of your personal fortune left over. Plus you've got a City Council who has shown little hesitation to change laws if you ask them to. It's all good!

So here is a list of things to do in your third term as Mayor of New York City:

1. Buy a crown, a throne, a scepter, and a ring for visitors to kiss as they enter your chambers. Make sure none of these things are too ostentatious, because you don't want to jeopardize you reputation as a man of the people.

2. Buy a small fleet of guillotines and have them installed in the basement of City Hall.

3. Have the City Council nullify all votes cast for Bill Thompson so it looks like you won by a margin of 100%. To insure that there is no embarrassing public outcry over this, send everyone who voted for Thompson (including Thompson) to the guillotine.

4. Have the City Council change the Mayor's term from four years to however long Michael Bloomberg feels like serving. Dissenting voices should be sent you-know-where.

5. Have all publicly owned property turned over to big developers so they can build sports arenas and luxury high-rises. Cite eminent domain as justification.

6. Make sure developers build one low-income apartment in the basement of each luxury hi-rise and sports arena, to be distributed by lottery. Send all those who do not get the apartments to the guillotine, and then point out that 100% of low-income people now have affordable housing.

7. Send everyone with a rent-regulated apartment to the guillotine. Besides deregulating a tremendous number of apartments, the increased supply should lower rents across the board. Aren't free markets miraculous?

That about all I can think of for now, if I come up with anything else, I'll drop you line. Good luck in your third term! See you in '13?

Best always,
Paul